A couple of mornings ago, I was just standing in the shower — water running, not doing anything — just thinking. It was the Monday after Thanksgiving break, and I had a lot to be grateful for.
You see, the shower is where I do my very best thinking. It’s the place where creativity strikes, where revelations are made, and where many of my problems are solved. It’s quiet — sometimes music is on. But I’m alone, and I can just think. My car is a similar space for me. It’s a space for me to be alone with, well, me.
Anyway, I was reflecting (not ruminating — there is a difference) on this past year. 2019 has been A YEAR. There has been a whole lotta life that has happened for me. The more I talk to my friends about it, the more that it seems that it has been similar for all of them.
For me, this year was a year of change.
For one, I moved out of my parent’s house this year. College living or being provided housing are one thing. Navigating the real world on your own and living on your own is a different thing entirely - let alone supporting yourself monetarily and emotionally. It is all riding on you, baby! And the pressure can feel quite unsurmountable.
I also ventured into the world of relationships for the first time in a long time this year. The complex emotions and confusion that come up within that realm are enough to drive a person crazy. It all hurts on a emotional level that I’ve never experienced before. I’m still not sure what I’m doing, but who does? I’m convinced that we’re all just fumbling through dating in adulthood trying to do what we think is right.
Lastly, I started a new job, stepping away from what has been not only my life, but my passion and my identity for so long. This change alone was HUGE.
Pair all of these changes with my work on over 11 productions, working to maintain friendships and family relationships, etc - it was quite overwhelming just about all the time. Moments like getting food or coffee with friends became anxiety-inducing. There was so much to be done and no time to do it. There were a lot of moments where I couldn’t keep one thought in my head for more than about 5 seconds. Life just kept moving, I couldn’t keep up, and it was wearing me down. Burnout is a real thing, and I was feeling its effects pretty intensely.
Anyway, there was this moment in the shower on that particular morning where I was trying to make sense of everything that has happened over the past year. (You see, through all of my professional experiences I often try to find what I call “the thesis” or the main idea of what I’d experienced. It helps me to reflect upon that experience, catalog that experience in my brain, and then move forward carrying the lessons learned with me. I always say, professionally, any experience is good because you learn from every experience.) However, it was almost impossible to wrap my mind around the fact that any of these things had even happened, let alone trying to develop the thesis of things. They were just all SUCH big things to process.
So I continued through my morning. I got dressed and brushed my teeth. I ate my black cherry flavored Oikos Greek yogurt and two eggs over-medium on wheat toast. I packed my lunch. I got in my car and started my drive to the train station - all while reflecting on my life over the past year. In my car I decided to put on the original Broadway cast recording of Jagged Little Pill, a musical utilizing the music of Alanis Morissette. The night before, I had started the album and decided that I wanted to finish it on my ride to work. I got to the train station and still had a few tracks left on the album, so I decided to plug in my headphones and finish out the album on the remainder of my commute. There was a delay for the train this morning, so it bought me a bit of extra time.
I love taking the train to work everyday. I love people watching. I find it particularly amazing that just about every day I end up on a train car with the same total strangers. We’re all background characters in each other’s lives; however, I look forward to the way we subtlety acknowledge each other every morning.
As I’m standing on the train with my stranger friends, my headphones in, and the world whizzing by, a song comes. The lyrics go like this:
“I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone - I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears.
You live - you learn.
You love - you learn.
You cry - you learn.
You lose - you learn.
You bleed - you learn.
You scream - you learn.”
And in that moment it clicked.
“Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend
You live - you learn.
You love - you learn.
You cry - you learn.
You lose - you learn.
You bleed - you learn.
You scream - you learn.
You grieve - you learn.
You choke - you learn.
You laugh - you learn.
You choose - you learn.
You pray - you learn.
You ask - you learn.
You live - you learn.”
It’s simple - life is the lessons we learn. I’m feeling these things and experiencing these things quite simply because I’m alive. Isn’t that a freeing thought? I’m alive therefore I’m learning. Or even, I’m learning therefore I’m alive. So often life is looked at as a game where “everybody’s playing the game, but nobody’s rules are the same." What if we flip that narrative? Life can’t be a game - because there really isn’t a winner. No one really comes out on top. Not to be morbid, but we all go out the same way in the end. And if you lose yourself in the process, was there a point in even playing the game?
What if life was an unfinished thesis or book instead? Something that we’re always working to develop, working to support, working to finesse, but with no end in sight. Something that isn’t finished and will never be finished, until one day it is. We look for so many finite answers in life, but so much about life is infinite. We can’t stop asking questions. As Walt Disney said, “We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”
I have always looked at my professional life in this way - but never once thought that this same ideology could be applied to my personal life.
I get it. You pour SO much of yourself into what you do. You give unconditionally, and you love unconditionally. You SHOW UP for everyone else. You give everyone respect, but do you always get something in return? Not always. And that can be crushing. This is the very thing that completely zapped out, what I call my "spark." You know? That little twinkle of light in your eye. Life wore me down. And it took a few months to get that back.
I’m not saying to stop doing those things. I’m saying that you learn from these experiences. We’re alive, and therefore we’re learning. Forgive yourself, learn your lessons, and move forward. Keep developing your thesis, keep writing your book, and never give up. Learn the hard lessons, and learn them well. Don’t build walls because of them. Let yourself be free to learn.
Respect yourself. Love yourself. Be patient with yourself. You're still learning.
Jam of the Moment
"You Learn" from Jagged Little Pill
The reason that this song is a jam of the moment is pretty apparent. These lyrics flew into my life just when I needed to hear them most. On top of that, this song has has an incredible chorus and hook. Pair the amazing song with an incredible arrangement by Tom Kitt, and you're in for a treat. The orchestrations and vocal arrangement are TOP NOTCH. Be sure to give this one a listen!
"Show Me Love" from & Juliet
If you've been around me for longer than an hour in the past two weeks, chances are that you've heard this song. & Juliet is a musical that uses the songs of pop composer Max Martin and pairs them with a flipped-on-its head retelling of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. This song, originally performed by Robyn, is rearranged as a musical theatre number and it is, as the kids would say, A BOP. I'd even say it's a bop and a half. I seriously cannot get enough of it. Everything about this song is perfect. A catchy verse and chorus, an incredible bridge, a great synth pop sound with the horns of a Broadway orchestra, and an amazing vocal arrangement. Give it a listen. You won't regret it! This is going to be my ringtone before you know it.
Such an encouraging and insightful post!! You are wise beyond your years! And when you described your mornings on the train it made me think of a word in the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows: “sonder” which is, ‘the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.’…